ICU, can you see me?

March 22nd? Has it really been that long? Have I really struggled this much? Yeah - I have. I do want to get back here, cuz this summer has been horrible for too many reasons, and I won't go into detail. Just detail my financial side, and yeah - that's been horrible. So God's been getting "horrible" from me. Gotta change that.

Anyway, I wanted to get back in gear, and I think no better than to post a letter I wrote the other day to my small group members. It was a letter I wrote in regard to a rant I had the night before, which what based on financial stuff. See - it all comes around to the all mighty dollar. Quick setup - I had a creditor issue that I had to be late to small group to resolve. I was also on a time restraint to get this bill resolved, but the drive over was nothing but a pain with a bus and everyone cruising at 5 UNDER the speed limit. I made it, but I was overly stressed. Then the payment didn't go as well as I liked. Anywho - get to small group. We are working thru Mark and we are on Mark 11 where Jesus curses a fig tree. At the end of group, the leader is asking how we feel about this chapter, and I go "why does God keep treating me like a fig tree", and then proceed to engage is a not so nice 4 year old tantrum. Well, I wanted to clarify myself more to my group, so I wrote the following. I think I am not alone in what I feel.

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Ok - you want some transparency, well let me lay some out for you.

Remember a few weeks ago - the "message in the round" service with the testimonies? Well, the last one from Ms. Latta hit me pretty well. I really liked her analogy of the spinning plates. I found direct parallel in that, but in a slightly different way than she did. See, with my plates. I put them up there cuz God tells me to give my fears up to Him and He will take the burden from me. So here - let me get them up to You - all my fears, my mistakes, my screw ups, my shame, my guilt. Passing it up to ya, God. So I start spinning my plates, and I continue to add more and more plates to spin. As I look back, the first few are wobbling. It's not so much the wobble, but the fact they are even still there that has me worried/frustrated. So I head back and give them a spin to keep them up there.

"God must be busy", I think. "He'll get to them".

Back down the line and more plates - my finances, my relational issues, my judgement issues - I have a lot of plates. Too many. I continue working and spinning even farther down the line, and more plates are threatening to fall.

"Hello? You gonna take these burdens yet?"

I rush back along the line of sticks and keep them all going. I am overly stressed, and since I spend all my time on my past crap, I have no time to make right the present, or get better with the future, so I end up just adding to the stack of plates I need to spin and getting worn out physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually running up and down the row, keeping them all aloft.

Finally, I hit my exhaustion point. Forget these plates. He said trust Him, so I'm gonna trust. I see the plates barely hanging on, but I just can't or won't go back there to keep them up. God's just going to have to take it like He said He would. Don't let me down. Please don't.

CRASH! First one hits the floor. Followed quickly by the next few. I rush down to try and keep the ones that are balanced only by the rim still on the poles. I save a few, but the rest end up in little shards on the floor, all around my feet. Now I feel upset and lose faith that He will take away any of these plates. So while moving among the shattered pieces of my life, I do my best to keep the garbage of my life above everyone's heads, so they don't see it all. Sometimes people are around when it comes crashing down, and they get to see the complete mess I have made. Too often people are under my plates and get hit with them as they fall to the floor, causing pain and damage in their lives from my mistakes.

And there I am, left to pick up the pieces with no one to help me.

As I have said many times - if I just had a clue what this grand plan is He has, maybe I could survive all this. But I feel so left out in the dark here. The disciples saw first hand all the amazing things Jesus did, and they were dull dolts. I think if I saw a blind man healed, a crippled walk, 5 fish feeding thousands and a tree dying just from a sharp tongue, I would pretty much get it all and be on board, no hesitations. But I get stories, riddles and parables. The Bible is loaded with examples of not just God making great things happen out of total jerks (David ring a bell?), but also the patience of people waiting for God's glory to bless them (Abraham comes to mind). There's a bit of a difference though - Abraham KNEW that God had a plan, and even knew what it was ("I will make you a great nation."). God told him right out what path He would put Abraham on. Abraham just got very impatient and wanted things to get moving. Abraham had the Erector set with his name on the box and a really sweet picture on the front showing what his life would be when God finishing constructing it. Me??? My Erector set has a generic white front with no picture of the completed model and the stinking box isn't even open! Then I see others, who don't even shop at God-Mart (TarGod? Godco? JC Godly? Lord and Taylor?), get bigger and better Erector sets, with the exclusive limited pieces, and I have to trust that it'll get better. He has a plan.

When you buy something, you tend to receive a manual instructing you on how to build it. Am I asking too much for a bit of those instructions? I see slot C - where's tab F that's supposed to go there? Is it even tab F? Maybe it's tab E? What about this one gray squiggley piece - do I even use it? Yeah, God - the smallest seed grows a huge plant, the vine will cut those that do not produce fruit. Blah blah blah.... JUST TELL ME WHICH TAB GOES WHERE! Cuz frankly, until I get this life built, I have no damn idea how to produce any decent fruit.

Just a clue, God. One hint. You say if I ask, You'll give it. So I'm asking - one clue